Firsts....

After school on March 12^th, I burst into tears.  I left school and found a birthday card in the mail.  It was the first time I cried over a birthday card or mail in general.  The card was from my grandparents and included my $25 check, a longtime tradition.  Why did I start bawling?  My aunt wrote the card and check for my grandparents.  For the first time in my life, I didn’t see the handwriting of one of my grandparents on my card. And, … I knew this was a first that I’d need to get used to. 

My grandfather, a B-24 pilot in WWII, broke his back in a crash.  He dealt with the after effects of that injury for the last several years, his spine degenerating rapidly since Christmas.  I knew, for the last month or so, he couldn’t walk or write, etc….  I didn’t know, though, that he was at the end.

So, there I was, a grown woman crying over a birthday card.  I walked into my place and saw my answering machine blinking.  Blinking like any other day of the week.  A red “2” flashing away.  I stood there, card in hand, and knew trouble was on the other end of that flashing light.  Knew.  Another first.  I'd never known a blinking answering machine held bad news before.  I didn’t know what it was and I didn’t much care.  I literally almost turned around and walked out, down the stairs, and to my car.  I couldn’t and wouldn’t deal with whatever was in those messages.  I’d get in the car and drive somewhere, anywhere.  That’s what I thought.  Then, ….

Ridiculous.  They were just messages on an answering machine.  Play.  Call when you get home.  Ominous feeling confirmed.  Why would my mother call at midday, twice, when she knew I was at school?  That’s when I found out my grandfather died that morning, somewhat unexpectedly and very quickly.

Mmmm….

Two and a half weeks later and it’s the day before Easter.  Another first….  Our first Easter without my grandfather and a year of firsts.  I’ve been thinking of my grandmother all afternoon.  I’m certain that’s going through her mind.  Her first Easter without him in well over 60 years.  Damn…! 

My grandfather NEVER swore in front of us, let us swear, or even say “God” or something like that.  Yet, when he was in the hospital a couple months ago and they weren’t letting him go to my grandmother, I’m told he used the word “damned” several times.  Damned hospital….  So, I’m guessing he might be okay with my using it tonight.

What to do when facing a year of firsts?  Something that connects all of us, a year of
firsts ….

The first thing I need to do is find that check.  That’s not a first.  Yup, Grandpa, if you can hear me, I think I misplaced yet another birthday check, something I’m notorious for.  Heck, I think I gave my grandfather something to do for the last several years.  Check his checking account over and over to see if I’d cashed my birthday and Christmas checks and touching base with my father to see when in the world I was going to cash them.  “Oh, Father ….  You know Shannon.  She probably misplaced it again.”  Shoot! I have not one clue what I did with that card and check after taking those messages and making that call.  Yes, Grandpa, I’ll look for it.

Of course, I also bought myself a book today.  Once I find and deposit that check, I’ll say it was from my grandparents.  We went to their house every Easter, if memory serves.  Close to every one, at least.  My cousins and I all had Easter baskets.  They’d keep them in the foyer by the front door … at the foot of the stairs we slid down with our grandfather.  I remember Tammy and I, both in our Easter dresses, running to that little nook and finding our baskets every year.

Oh, the pretty baskets with beautiful colors and ….  A book!  We always got a book!  Tammy loved the candy.  Who am I kidding?  I like chocolate.  But, I was always taken with the book.  That was the highlight.  What book would I get?!  Oh, the year I got one of the Little House books!  I thought I landed in a pastel and green plastic grass heaven!  Easter and books, forever tied together.  So, on this soon to be first, I turned to the past, bought a book and will spend part of tomorrow reading.

I don’t know how to end this particular post.  How to end things…?  The things you’d rather not end….  Thinking of one of my cousins whose grandmother-in-law died yesterday … right before my cousin's birthday.  A fresh year of firsts for her, as well.  No.  I have nothing witty to say, no special insight or connection.  Tomorrow marks a year of firsts, with a book and memories of Easter dresses and green plastic grass.  

Copyright 2013 -> Shannon